ten ₱esos

(Dominic) Advice to “type A” personalities who contemplate living in the Philippines:

A) You shouldn’t be proud of your personality type, in the first place. You tick everyone off, and really should stop perpetrating assaults on everyone else’s minds.

B) Don’t go to a Third World country and get a phone; you may end up in jail for homicide.

I tried for 3 days to get a phone bill from PLDT. I called several customer service lines and just heard the phone ring off the hook. So, I tried again the next day and got someone to pick up the phone. The conversation went like this:

Dom: Hello, I haven’t received a bill, and am afraid that you clowns will shut off my phone.

PLDT: (in a barely audible voice) What is your telephone number, sir.

Dom: 555-1212

PLDT: Thank you, sir. (long silence)

Dom: Are you looking something up?

PLDT: No, sir.

Dom: Then what are doing?

PLDT: I’m talking to you, sir.

Dom: That’s nice. So how is your life doing?

PLDT: What sir?

Dom: Apparently, you don’t want to tell me anything about my bill, so I figured we could talk about you.

PLDT: I don’t understand, sir.

Dom: I know you don’t, but would you see why I haven’t received a bill for my phone?

PLDT: What is your telephone number, sir?

Dom: I gave it to you about a minute ago. It’s 555-1212.

PLDT: It’s 555-1212?

Dom: Yes.

PLDT: Oh, we don’t know anything about the mail, sir. You’ll have to call this number, blah blah blah.

Dom: Why are you asking me for my telephone number when you could have just said that I’m not calling the correct number and save us a lot of needless conversation?

PLDT: Sorry, sir? Let me get you the number. (30 seconds later, she gives me the wrong number, then corrects herself after giving me the bogus number.)

Dom: Are you going to transfer me?

PLDT: I cannot, sir.

Dom: Why not?

PLDT: They aren’t open on the weekends, sir.

Dom: Were you going to tell me that before I hung up with you?

PLDT: Sorry, sir?

Dom: What is your name?

PLDT: Murlou.

Dom: Thank you, Murlou.

PLDT: Bye, sir.

*click*

That’s how conversations usually go when talking to a customer-service specialist here in the Philippines. And this stuff is no different at very large companies; they’re all like this. I’ve found that many you talk with here aren’t even aware that you’re ranking on them. So I amuse myself to quell the aggravation I feel sometimes.

So I call again and find out that there is a mail carrier who delivers our bill, Mr. Max, who interjects that he has been delivering bills to our address for 8 years. Well, Mr. Max calls me and tells me, in so many words, that he doesn’t feel like delivering a bill. He then proceeded to inquire if he could drop off future bills to our community guard house, instead. Eight years, and he wants me to go to the guard house to retrieve my bill? Sounds fishy.

I didn’t want to do this, but I felt I owed it to this joker. I told Mr. Max that he was going to get his big, passive aggressive butt to our house and deliver the bill, today, or I was going to give him “the business.” Mr. Max’s (the name, Max, reminds me of Gloria Swanson’s butler, Max, in Sunset Boulevard ) tone changed very quickly, and told me he would be by the next day. I told Mr. Max thank you, and also told him I was ready for my closeups now .

I take on a stern tone with some people here because I get the feeling that they don’t like Americans. Brian and I don’t run into many passive aggressive types; but it becomes obvious when we do run into one.

After being flimflammed about 50 times by promises from some living here, I asked Mr. Max, 3 times, if he was sure he will be here. Well, Mr. Max got the gist.

The next day came, and it was rainy. Mr. Max called me to ask if he could come the next day because it was raining. I praised him for calling me, and told him that I understood.

Well, Mr. Max came through. He got the bill to our landlord that day. On the bill was the correct address, but wrong apartment number. Apparently, when I told the CRS person at PLDT that our apartment is the “bottom floor”, she heard “4″; and that’s the apartment number on the billing address. There is no apartment 4 as you can probably surmise by now.

So, that’s what you have to do to get anything done around here.

Now I have to call back and ask why the bill is 147 pesos more than it should be. I’ll put a block of one week on my calendar for this problem. This chore should entertain me for a full week.

Thank goodness we paid our cable bill 1 year in advance. I could easily imagine myself in front of a judge explaining why I strangled someone for stupidity.

I’m half kidding about this post. But, yes, these conversations really took place.