Objectives:

“To pursue a challenging account executive position at <competitor’s name>”

“Objective: [Click here and type your objective]” (from Microsoft Word’s résumé  template)

“This position will look really neat on my resume”

“Pursue a career on the Information Supper Highway”

“I want to be a millionaire by the time I am 30”

Job Skills & Qualifications:

“You will discover my skills if you hire me” (for a programmer position)

“I’m 16, I’m pregnant and I can do anything.” (for a sales position)

“Experience with versions of Lotus 1, 2, AND 3” (the software is actually “Lotus 123”)

“I can function without additional oxygen at 24,000 feet” (for a web development position)

“I have experience with Sysco routers” ( Cisco makes routers. Sysco is a food distributor.)

“I don’t think you want to say this about yourself here” (someone else’s comment in a margin)

Work Experience:

“Service for old man to check they are still alive or not.”

“My duties included cleaning the restrooms and seating the customers.”

“28 dog years of experience in sales (four human).”

“I’m working today in a furniture factory as a drawer”

“Stalking, shipping & receiving”

“Surfing the internet”

Achievements & Accomplishments:

“Finished eighth in my class of ten.”

“Nominated for prom queen”

“I’ve never been fired from a job”

“won a strawberry eating contest when I was sixteen”

Education:

“Graduated: Yes.” (that was it for the entire section)

“No education or experience.”

Languages:

“Fluent in English. Also I have been heard muttering Gibberish in my sleep.”

“I am bi-lingual in three languages.”

Hobbies / Personal Interests:

“Painting my toenails in varying colors”

“Playing with my two dogs (They actually belong to my wife but I love the dogs more than my wife)”.

“Drugs and girls”

“Having a good time”

“Sitting on a levee at night watching alligators”

“Maintaining a healthy digestive system” (applying to a nutritional products company)

“Wedding planning and Grays Anatomy [sic]” (applying to a financial services firm)